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Jason Michalchek

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Survey Thingy I Posted One Year Ago, Just To See How Things Have Changed... [02 Dec 2005|04:39am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Really allowed myself to express more of my negative emotions, like anger, sadness, (although I have always expressed my sadness, but now more honestly,) etc

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't even remember what my new years resolution was last year, but for some reason I think I did keep it... As far as making one for next year, as stated in my last entry, it is learning to play guitar, and either seeing Madonna or moving back to CA.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, although just recently this girl that I used to be really close with did.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, and I hope no one does

5. What countries did you visit? Kentucky... I know it's just a state, but you must admit, it IS pretty damn country!

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? An understanding of what the hell my fucking problem is!

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? September 11, the day that I saw the Foo Fighters... it just sticks with me. Also, October 8, the day I met Liz Phair!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Honestly, I don't really feel like I have made any big achievements this year... so the biggest achievement of the year, I suppose, is just making it out not too scathed

9. What was your biggest failure? Not having any big achievements, I guess

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Not that I can remember, no

11. What was the best thing you bought? A buncha concert tickets, my fabulous cell phone that I already want to upgrade!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I really don't know...

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Same answer as last year, if anyone's behavior appalled or depressed me, it would be my own

14. Where did most of your money go? Concert tickets and cell phone bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to Kentucky with Jenn, Seeing Kelly Clarkson for my birthday, Meeting Liz Phair

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? Hmmm... A TON OF THEM! "Best Of You" by Foo Fighters was a big song for me this year, The entire Gwen Stefani album, particularly "Hollaback Girl"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? I don't wanna say sadder, but maybe more confused and/or melancholy
ii. richer or poorer? Richer, which is a major plus!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Writing, which is crazy, cos' I did a ton of writing this year... aside from that, spending time with my family

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Drinking, smoking weed... but then again, no I don't - they were good times!

20. How will you be spending Christmas? HA! At work

20. How will you be spending New Years? Prolly the same way!

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? Nope... I had a few minor crushes, but nothing major - nothing worth mentioning

23. How many one-night stands? Again, none... sex?! What the hell is that?!

24. What was your favorite TV program? Still "Degrassi: The Next Generation," Still "The L Word," and a new favorite, "Instant Star," I love that fucking show!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Nope... still don't hate anyone!

26. What was the best book you read? Ummm... "Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants," as it was really the only book I actually read all the way through. Does Manga count, cos' I read the entire "Revolutionary Girl: Utena" series, which was BRILLIANT!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Oooh lord, tons of good shit this year... Natasha Bedingfield was one of the best, as well as The Veronicas, James Blunt also, Juliette & The Licks, and a buncha others

28. What did you want and get? A buncha bullshit?

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Ummm... I haven't seen many movies this year, but I think my favorite is definitely "D. E. B. S."

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I saw Kelly Clarkson, and went to a stupid Harry Potter party, and did karaoke the next night... I turned 22

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If I knew that, the year would have been much more satisfying, now wouldn't it?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? A lot less than 2004... a lot of band t-shirts, jeans and hoodies!

34. What kept you sane? Same as last year, absolutely nothing... Sanity? What's that?!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Ummm... none - I can't really think of any that I was really really into!

36. What political issue stirred you the most? This year there weren't many... Kanye West saying that George Bush doesn't care about black people - Kanye knows what's up!

37. Who did you miss? Still my two best friends in CA, Don and Amy

38. Who was the best new person you met? My best friend here in FL, Jenn

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: The most valuable life lesson I learned in 2005 was that, unlike I previously, PEOPLE ARE NOT DISPOSABLE! You can't just have fun and share and grow with them for as long as you enjoy them, then just toss them aside - it doesn't work that way, apparently.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year... "Someday love will find me in the rough, And someday love will love will finally be enough..." - Anna Nalick

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There's Only So Much You Can Learn In One Place, The More That I Wait The More Time That I Waste... [30 Nov 2005|01:11am]
[ mood | confused ]

JumpCollapse )

Wow... so where to begin? I haven't posted in my livejournal in fucking AGES!!! I am so lost! I really don't even know where to start... It has been quite the past few months for me. Been to a few concerts, (Foo Fighters/Weezer, The Bravery, and most importantly, FUCKING LIZ PHAIR!!!) had a few minor dramas, developed a few new psychoses, (surprise surprise,) and pretty well have just been trying to cope with life. Nothing too new. I really haven't the memory or the energy to really devote too much time to the ACTUAL events of the past few months - I couldn't even begin to list them! I guess I will start by just diving right in to the now!

I am still working at Answer America, and I still enjoy it, to an extent. It has become much more like a real job than I ever saw it before. There are days that I really dread going there. There are days when I fucking hate it! There are days when I sit all morning before I go just thinking about calling in! Sound familiar? Sound a little like every other job I have ever had in my life?! HERE is the difference: When I dread going to work, when I fucking hate it, when I sit for hours beforehand just thinking about calling in - I don't ACTUALLY do it! I am about to hit my 6 month mark there, (the longest I have ever had any job,) and I have only missed 2 whole days! My first time calling in was the day of the second Liz Phair show, because I am sorry, but when the options of things to do for the day are a: go to work, or b: go see Liz Phair, I am choosing Liz Phair every fucking time!!! She was soooo amazing, and even better when I met her! Yes, I met Liz Phair!!!! It was soooo exciting, and all I could say to her was "Oh my GOD!!!" She was sooo adorable! She just giggled and moved things along like a real pro! The other time I called in was 2 weeks or so ago, because I was already gonna be late, then on the way to work, we got a flat tire. I just took it as a sign - a sign that I was kinda burned out after a good 4-6 weeks with only 1 day off!!! I call it a mental health day... but not like the two mental health days per month I would take at Protocol! At Protocol, though, you really needed those two mental health days! :-P

So, yeah, work is going well... it is like a real job, but one I don't necessarily HATE! I dunno if this happened before the last time I wrote in here, but I got a raise, too! A fucking $2 raise!!! It was awesome!!! I make sooooo much money now! hehehe j/k... it IS more than I have ever made before, and definitely helps! Money doesn't necessarily help EVERYTHING, though - as evidenced by my relationships with my friends! Things got better for a little bit, then they got worse, and now they are just... stagnant! I find myself feeling frustrated a LOT lately because of my friends - they all want me to do and be something different. I just wanna be who I am... it is all I know how to be, all I can be and all I am gonna be! It is just weird how I spent the past year with these people kinda setting myself up for them to have all these expectations of me - not that they are false expectations or anything like that, but I can't just be the way they like me all the time! I run the full fucking spectrum of emotions, dammit! In the words of Madonna, "This is who I am, you can like it or not!" I dunno... I find myself trying a lot less, (and in many ways, caring a lot less.) I dunno if it's because I spent so much time before trying sooo hard to make these friendships work that now that they are still not really pulling it off I am just losing interest, or if it is because I am trying to disengage from them before I get hurt in one way or another. Maybe a little of both... or maybe I am trying to disengage emotionally because of the prospect of disengaging physically.

Segue into a thought bubble that has been lingering around my head for the past few weeks. This is nothing more than a thought bubble at this point... well, maybe a thought bubble that developed into an idea being tossed around. In any sense, it is NOWHERE NEAR a plan at this point! Just an idea to be tossed around - another option to be considered. Anyway, let me stop fussing with the term to use for it and just get to what it is! Okay, so lately I have been feeling pretty shitty. There is just something inside me that won't let me accept the way my life is right now. Something telling me that I need a change! Now, anyone who knows me knows that when I say I need a change, I don't just mean, "Oh, maybe I should dye my hair or start drinking diet soda or go vegetarian for like the 400th time," I mean something more along the lines of, "Maybe I should uproot my entire life as I know it and do something completely random and life-changing!" So, this thought bubble appeared one day and said, "Hey! Maybe you should move back to California!" At first I just kinda tossed the thought to the back of my mind and wrote it off as completely ridiculous and not a logical or tangible idea... but it was a persistent little thought bubble, and it kept coming back, along with other ideas to make it more and more of a feasible concept than I had ever imagined. So, Answer America, while being a small company, does have quite a few locations across the country. One of those locations is in Burbank, CA. I love the Burbank/Glendale area, and think it would be awesome to live there! So, right then and there I am able to toss the idea of moving to CA and just winding up unemployed and being a total bum like I was before. So then there is the thought, "Well, what about a place to live there?!" As we all know, there are many different websites on the internet where you can find, and actually put down deposits and rent an apartment or house online. Sure it is risky, but could also be well worth it! Besides, looking for an apartment in Burbank for me only has one MO: As cheap as possible! Essentially this means that I am willing to live in a tiny shithole apartment, as long as it is affordable! Then comes the question, "Speaking of affordable, renting an apartment online is all fine and dandy, but where are you gonna get the cash for first and last and deposits and such?!" Now, this is where it gets a little sad... I have recently started a little savings account, setting aside some money from every paycheck, originally for one reason and one reason only: MADONNA 2006 SUMMER TOUR!!! The original plan was to save up enough cash for two tickets to a Florida show, two tickets to an LA show, airfare and enough for spending money while I am there! Just the tickets and airfare should be enough to rent an apartment, and that spending money becomes travelling fees, (and obviously I will have to start saving a little MORE from each paycheck, just in case!)

So, with job set up there, apartment found and money issue solved, what else is there? The fear of living alone? Not anymore... that is one fear that I have had for soooo long that I kinda really feel the need to face now. I really do feel like while I have been in Florida I have grown and matured in many of the ways that I needed to in order to become a "fully functioning adult," but there is still one thing, and I am afraid I may not be able to do it here... and that is finally stepping out on my own and being fully independent! It is a scary thought - an EXTREMELY HORRIFYING thought, but again, one I feel I may have to face before I can become my fully realised self! I think living away from anyone I know may be the way to do it. Plus, I wouldn't be COMPLETELY alone! My best friend of 11 years, as well as my grandma and a buncha my Dad's side of the family would be less than 2 hours away, and all of my aunts and uncles on my Mom's side would be just up the road in the San Fernando Valley, only like 30 minutes or so away. Plus, if I am gonna try to do what I love and become a musician, I am prolly gonna need to be somewhere where things can happen, and Burbank is so close to LA that you may as well actually be in LA! All the major TV studios and such are there, so it could be a good thing. Plus, the area is full of 24 hour public transit, meaning I would always have a way to get wherever I needed to go. I dunno... like I said before, this is JUST an idea being tossed around. In some ways, the more I think about it the more I wanna do it, but in some ways I am still unsure. It will be really sad leaving my Momma and Amber, and the friends I have here, but I kinda feel like maybe it would be the right thing to do. This song from Madonna's AMAZING new album, "Confessions On A Dancefloor," (GO BUY IT NOW, EVEN IF YOU ALREADY HAVE A COPY!!!) is really kinda swaying me to make a decision... I dunno, though!!! Either way this would not be happening until well into the Summer of '06. I will just have to think long and hard about it, and spend the next 6-8 months or so preparing both mentally and monetarily.

No matter what, something has got to change. I just don't feel right anymore. One of my friends, upon hearing this idea, said that it was silly, and leaving would never make things better. The whole, "You carry your baggage with you," concept. I don't necessarily think I have baggage, though. It is not really like I am feeling this way because I am hanging onto things from the past or anything like that. I don't have problems with the past - I have problems with the present, and I want to correct them in the best way possible in order to ensure a better future. One way in which I am trying to ensure a better future for myself is by way of Christmas gift... Everyone I know well knows by now that the only things I want for Christmas are an Ipod, (cos' those things are just so damn nifty,) and a guitar! One way that I will be spending my money in the new year is with guitar lessons. I am incredibly serious about this. If I am ever to become a singer/songwriter, I can't carry on JUST writing lyrics and melodies, and I really think the guitar is the way to go for me. I was always more of a piano person, but as of late, (like the past year or so,) I find that the emotions expressed in the sound of a guitar truly speak to me. So, I am determined to learn the guitar! This will be my new years resolution! Learn the guitar, and either move back to Cali THE RIGHT WAY or see Madonna! Either way, I anticipate 2006 being a year of change and even more a year of growth and development!

The future is yet to come... Are you ready to jump?

Jason

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Has Someone Taken Your Faith? It's Real, The Pain You Feel, The Life, The Love You Die To Heal... [25 Aug 2005|02:42am]
[ mood | tired ]

Best Of YouCollapse )

I really have an assload to talk about, but much as I have done many times before, I really don't think I have the energy to really go into it. The difference this time is that I am gonna at least make my best effort to cover the most important parts of recent events in my life. What is there to say? Plenty. The question is really, where to start?

Well, I am still working at Answer America, and I still actually enjoy it as much as I did before. I have no issues with the people I work with, I don't really really dread going to work like I did at Borders or Protocol or any of the other jobs I have had. I am actually pretty satisfied with this job, which is weird for me. It is soooo laid back, and it pays well for the leniance it has. In fact, as of just recently, it pays EXTREMELY well for the leniance or not. I am so excited; ecstatic, really, to for the the first time in my life, join the ranks of my friends and family who make double digits! Yes, my friends, I am saying that I got a raise... a $2 raise, to be exact, and am making more than I ever have before. Plus, given the fact that two people have just quit, (one being my dear friend Alyson who I kinda got the job there,) they have already asked me if I would be willing to swing some overtime, which at the rate they will be paying me for overtime, HELL FUCKING YES, I would be willing. Plus, in agreeing to do overtime, I scored myself something else very important. I managed to work into the overtime conversation that I HAVE requested September 11th off, and she pretty well made it clear that it wouldn't be a problem.

Okay, so I am guessing that you all know what is coming... why do I ever request days off of work?! Yes, the new music season is oh so close, and included in the new music season for me this year is concert season! I was hoping to start it off day after tomorrow by heading out to Cypress Gardens, some weird theme park out in Winter Garden, to see Ashlee Simpson, but unfortunately I don't think that's gonna happen. It's all good, though, because instead I am kicking off my concerts for the season on September 11th, seeing the MOTHERFUCKING FOO FIGHTERS!!!! Oh, and Weezer will be there, but I am not really into them. Also, Kaiser Chiefs will be there, but I don't even know any of their music. BUT THE FUCKING FOO FIGHTERS!!! I am obsessed with them! They are an amazing band, and I am bousta go see them live! I cannot wait! So, instead of spending that day reflecting on the events 4 years ago on that date, I will be out having an amazing fucking time watching the Foo Fighters! I cannot fucking wait! After that, on October 7th AND October 8th, I will be seeing one of my all time favourite artists, the incomparable FUCKING LIZ PHAIR!!! Not one night, but two... once at the House Of Blues in Orlando, then the next night at Jannus Landing in St. Petersberg! Last time I was at the House Of Blues Orlando was seeing the most amazing show I have ever seen in my whole fucking life, Scissor Sisters, and last time I was at Jannus Landing I saw a portion of what I am sure woulda been an amazing show had it not gotten rained out, Lisa Marie Presley. Either way, I think seeing Liz Phair will be an amazing experience. I am taking my Momma, and maybe my sister and her girlfriend to the HOB show, then hauling the Borders crew out to the Jannus Landing show! I cannot fucking wait. I mean, it's FUCKING LIZ PHAIR! I don't care who you are, you have to see Liz Phair! She is an amazing artist! I cannot wait to see her! This is gonna be awesome. Other concert possibilities for the season are *fingers crossed* Fiona Apple, I am kinda wanting to see Rob Thomas and Anna Nalick, and maybe Fall Out Boy. I dunno, though. It depends on when they are around. I am most excited about seeing Liz, and Foo Fighters... after those two, most shows are gonna be a little less priority, except Fiona Apple, because I have LOVED her for years, and I thought the opportunity to see her live would never come again, but she is FINALLY releasing the 3rd album, and going on tour again! I CANNOT WAIT! That is one show that I will be all over the fucking tickets as soon as the dates are announced. I HAVE TO SEE FIONA APPLE!

Anyway, aside from that, things are going well in life. Everything seems to be going well. I am back on good terms with all of my friends. I think I have learned to accept the fact that they will always do shit that I disagree with, and they will always piss me off sometimes, but they are prolly worth hanging on to. So, no more being silly and taking shit for granted for me! I have been writing a lot lately, and I think I've actually been shitting out some pretty good stuff. I am excited about that! There is another, rather large entry, coming soon to kingof_pain so, that should be interesting. I am thinking I may post some of my new songs over here. I dunno. We'll see what happens. Things just seem to be going very well for me right now, and I am very very grateful for it. It is about time that things get a little better, and I am not sitting around being a dumb ass stressing over shit all the time. Anyway, what I should be stressing over is going to fucking bed. It is late. I have to get up earlier than usual tomorrow. My schedule has just been changed from 3-11pm, to 2-10pm. So, in order to have a few waking hours before work, I have to get up at like 10am instead of my usual 11am-1pm. So, I am off! Hope y'all are having fun! Leave me some comments! They let me know that you give a shit! :-P

Jason

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Would You Take The Time To Catch Me If I Fall? Are You Ever Gonna Be That Real To Me?... [09 Aug 2005|05:13am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

"Everything To Me"
by Liz Phair

I'll bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you
You never gave a damn
About all of those things I did to please you

All that you wanted you found somewhere else
And nothing could drag you away from yourself

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

Lucky I've been through hell
Backwards and shortcuts, I know them well
Baby, just stick with me
We'll make it together, just wait and see

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

The walls they close in
The air it goes out
We're left with nothing, but a shadow of doubt
Nobody talks
No one is here
It's just you and me

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?

Do you really know me at all?
Would you take the time to catch me if I fall?
Are you ever gonna be that real to me?
Everything to me

I'll bet it makes you laugh
Watching me work so hard to reach you

**********************************************************************************

Okay, so there is no way in hell I am gonna make an ACTUAL entry right now, I am way too fucking tired for that. I am no longer used to being up til 5am. I just kinda wanted to check in, say hey, I'm still alive, and I'm doing okay. If you really give a shit about how I am feeling at this point in time, read the lyrics above... they definitely say what I am going through at the moment, and maybe, just maybe, (okay, definitely,) I will tell you why in my next entry. I am off tomorrow, and am in the writing mood, so I will most likely end up making a full entry then. I have a buncha new songs I have written that need to be put in the creative writing journal, too. Until then...

Jason

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No Moment Will Be More True Than The Moment I Look At You... [24 Jul 2005|03:53am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

"Someday (I Will Understand)"
By Britney Spears

Nothing seems to be the way
That it used to
Everything seems shallow
God give me truth
In me
And tell me somebody is watching
Over me
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday I will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he's done to me
Oh but maybe
Someday I will breathe
And I'll finally see
I'll see it all in my baby

Don't you run too fast my dear
Why don't you stop?
Just stop and listen to your tears
They're all you've got
It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby

No moment
Will be more true
Than the moment
I look at you

It's in you
You see somebody is watching
Over you
And that is all I'm praying is that

Someday you will understand
In God's whole plan
And what he does to you
Oh but maybe
Someday you will breathe
And you'll finally see
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby
You'll see it all in your baby


*******************************************************************************

God love the girl... she can be a little nutty, and I really kinda hate her a lot of the time, but every now and then, she will come out with a great fucking song - here is a good example. I dunno, but for whatever reason this song has been reaching out to me lately. It has gotten under my skin and I am loving it. Anyway, as cracked out as it may seem a little cracked out, (considering I don't, and most likely won't anytime soon, if ever, have a baby,) this is how I feel in this very moment. Someday it will all come together, and whatever my "baby" will be, I will be able to look it in the face, and know that this is what my life means. It really is a comforting thought.

Jason

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Soft Light Of Reason Quiets This Fear, Words Like Repent Are The Last You'll Ever Hear... [19 Jul 2005|03:11am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I Never Got To Tell You What I Wanted ToCollapse )

Okay, this weekend... there is the topic, now let's discuss. This weekend was pretty cool, but it definitely had it's ups and downs and, as I said earlier, left me with a lot of questions about the people that surround me. It is strange, but I have a very ambivalent feeling towards this weekend. I mean, there was a lot of cool shit that happened, and overall I think I had a pretty fucking good time, but then in retrospect, there were some pretty shitty factors, and I almost feel like the good time I had was kinda in vain. I dunno... I guess to really go into it and explain what I mean, I will just relay the whole weekend to you here, and see if it clears things up any more for me, and for you. I guess we'll just have to see...

So, Friday night... Friday night was pretty strange. I dunno where to begin, except with Friday morning. I got like 2-3 hours of sleep thursday night, so when I woke up early friday morning, I felt kinda shitty. I can never sleep the night before a big event for me, and this day was definitely a really big one. I got up early so Amber could take me to pick up my check before she went to work at 11:30am. So, it was like 9:30-10am when we went. We picked up my check, cashed it, went to a gas station for some power steering fluid and shit like that, then went back home so she could get ready for work. When we got home, I called Alyson, and she came over for a while and we went to K-Mart to pick up some makeup for her Harry Potter Party costume, and bought me some hair dye. It was pretty cool. Then I came home and spent a coupla hours dying my hair and getting ready for the concert. I did my makeup pretty cool and had bleached-blond hair, like Kelly! I was like super-psyched... until Jenn came over. She was not in the best of moods. The whole drive there she was kinda not too happy and really not hyped for the concert. She even brought a bottle of rum to drink at the concert, which kinda irritated me, but I was like, "Whatever." It was pretty cool of her, though, not to actually drink it at the concert when I voiced those concerns. She wasn't really into the concert, but at least made a small effort to act like she was. At that point, I didn't really care. I LOVED THE CONCERT! Kelly was awesome live! The concert was a lot different, and honestly a lot better than I expected... and that's REALLY saying something, because I was expecting it be amazing. It was even more amazing than I had assumed it would be. The set list, which I had a few complaints about, actually turned out pretty perfect. Like, everything flowed really perfectly. The opening, "Walk Away" was amazing! Throughout the entire show there were two screens above the stage, and each one had an eye, (the "Hazel Eyes," from the song and the name of the tour,) which was pretty cool. For the opening, before anything, the eyes opened up, then a pair of lips, like in RHPS, came on the screen and were lip-synching to her voice as she sang from below the stage. Then she came up and was totally fucking amazing! The entire show was brilliant. I think one of the biggest highlights had to be when she came out for "Behind These Hazel Eyes" in a wedding dress, and just went nuts on the song, and the encore, "Breakaway," which you could honestly barely hear her singing, because the crowd sang the entire song sooo loudly. It was awesome!

Anyway, after the concert on the drive home, Jenn and I were pretty cool. We had both had a lot of fun at the concert, even if it was for different reasons. When we got back to Sarasota, we went to Borders for the Harry Potter festivities, and that damn store was packed! It was insane... and the staff in costume was pretty fucking dorky, and we did have some fun making fun of them all. It was pretty fun. Then Caroline, one of my friends there, asked us to go pick her up some beer, for afterwards, of course, and when we did that, we each bought a coke, and loaded it up with rum. So, we went back to Borders and hung out drinking for a while. Then when the store closed, Jenn and I hung out outside and waited for everyone to get off. While we sat outside, Jenn and I got into some deep conversation. I was disappointed in myself for going over my two drink limit, and she thought that I was being stupid, which led to some long conversation about my feelings of desperately wanting to change the way that my life has been for the past few months... or really, the way my life has been since I was born. It was kinda good to get it out, but I dunno. I think Jenn is looking at me differently, after all the talk I did about my past and how much I want to change my future. I dunno... more on Jenn in a few. Once the Borders crew got out, we all went over to Shakespeares for a few drinks, (I had already broken my limit, so I figured why the hell not continue?) It was pretty cool. It was all very laid back, which was cool. I had fun. That wasn't really anything, except another reason why I didn't get home til after 4:30am. I stayed up until almost 7am, and wound up getting like no sleep.

The next day I went to work at 3pm, and was alright. Then something happened. Something I had kinda had some sort of strange premonition of. I just somehow had this feeling that it was gonna happen. I decided the night before, after being so inspired by the concert, that for my birthday I wanted to go somewhere to do karaoke... and somehow I just knew that Jenn wouldn't be coming. I don't really question her reason for deciding not to come, because it was definitely a good excuse, and pretty damn reasonable excuse to skip out on my birthday party. Her dogs got into a fight in her Moms arms, and wound up scratching and biting her pretty badly. She had to take her to the hospital and she needed stitches and a tetanus shot. I completely understand not coming because you're in the ER with your mother. I wouldn't have come, either. The thing is, though, that I knew beforehand that she wouldn't be coming. Like, I knew something would happen to prevent her from coming along. I just kinda feel like, in a way, now that I have finally allowed myself to get attatched and genuinely think of her as one of the best friends I have ever had, she is kinda pulling away. She called me her best friend months ago, and I always said that she was "Like a best friend," or something, but on Friday night, during the "deep conversation" outside of Borders, I told her that she is definitely one of my best friends, and that I have come to love her like I do the other few. I dunno... I just feel like now that I am actually opening up she is suddenly closing herself off. I dunno if that is true or not. We see each other a lot less these days, and it sucks. It just seems like we're not as accesible to each other, and I kinda feel like she has become a lot less accesible to me than I have to her. Like, I suddenly feel like I am having to put in all of the effort. I dunno... the dynamic between us has definitely shifted, and I am not sure what it all means or where it all will end up, but I can say that I am not really happy with it.

Anyway, so apart from that set back, I was determined to have a good time Saturday night. We all met up at Shakespeares around 11:30pm, and headed over to a place out on Siesta Key called "Captain Curts" or something like that. I think it may be spelled with Ks instead of Cs, but that isn't really important. Anyway, when we got there, the dude doing the karaoke was already saying that he was basically out of time. We put in songs right away, and I was pretty certain that I wasn't gonna get to sing, which woulda been okay. I dunno. By the time we got there, I was already feeling pretty downbeat. I dunno... I was just down. I spent the first large portion of time we were there outside smoking. and my friend Gabe came out to smoke with me, but then wound up seeing some dudes he knew and talking to them, so I was just kinda hanging out there alone. Caroline came out to talk to me, and it was pretty cool. We just kinda BSed. It was cool. She was talking about a party she is planning, and saying that I would definitely have to come, which sounded pretty cool. I dunno... it was all just kinda shooting the shit talk. Then we went inside and watched some people sing for a while, but I was just more comfortable outside smoking. So, I stayed out there most of the time we were there. The dudes who Gabe was talking to came up and talked to me, cos' this one was telling me how much he loved Kelly Clarkson, (cos' I was wearing a Kelly Clarkson t-shirt and Kelly Clarkson bandana,) and then the others were talking shit. So me and the other dude kinda teamed up to defend her. These dudes had sang some Perfect Circle song earlier and were pretty awesome. They were, apparently, a band, but when they told me the name I couldn't really hear, but if their karaoke performance was any indication, they must be pretty good. Plus, they were telling me that they are on this years Warped Tour, which was also pretty cool. They all told Gabe that I was pretty damn cool, and Gabe agreed with them, cos' ya know, I am pretty damn cool. Anyway, so they invited me to some party they are having next week, and I thought it would be pretty cool to go. I dunno, we'll see.

Anyway, so it took all night, but we did end up getting to sing. I sang "Alone," by Heart, which was pretty cool. It got a good response, which is always a plus. Then Alyson sang "It's Raining Men," which was pretty good, too, and Gabe sang, "Why Georgia," by John Mayer, and blew me away. I am always a little bitter when people sing better than me, but it was all good, cos' I think Gabe is prolly the coolest straight guy I know. I just think he is awesome. We have a cool dynamic of mutual respect. Anyway, so after Kaptain Kurts, or whatever the hell it is called, we went back to Shakespeares for a while, even though they were basically already closed, we just went and talked to our friend Sam, the bartender, then sat outside for a coupla hours just talking about shit. It was really cool. After that we went to Dennys to eat, and just kinda fucked around there. I was so hungry, so I ate way more than I had in a long time, and it was pretty fucked up, cos' in the morning I felt like fucking hell. I kinda have been nursing an eating disorder for months now, and I think I have finally gotten to the point where it could actually be considered an eating disorder. I dunno... I am kinda not taking it seriously, because I think if I think about it too much, I would be really fucked up. Then again, I am already really fucked up. I dunno... I just go like entire days without eating, just because I don't feel like doing it. I get to the point where I have like hardcore hunger pains, but I don't feel like eating, so I don't. It's pretty fucked up. I kinda mentioned that whole concept outside of Shakespeares with Bree, Gabe and Alyson, and so when I suggested we go eat at Dennys, it was kinda like they were all like, "YEAH, YOU definitely need to go eat something." I dunno... I think mentioning it was like my cry for help. I dunno that anyone listened really, but whatever. It was kinda stupid. But I had a lot of fun with them all, and it was a really awesome night, although it left me with questions about certain people as well, but I don't really feel like going into those questions, because I think if I don't voice those things they might go away, and I definitely want them to.

So, Sunday was a hellish sorta day. I woke up feeling like shit and stayed that way the entire day. I had the combination hangover/Dennys stomach ache, which really sucked. In the midst of Jenns saying that I was being stupid about limiting my drinking, she also made the comment that it is my birthday time, and that is a good excuse to drink a little more. I dunno... I know that sounds silly, but I took it to heart enough to have too much to drink Saturday night, as well. So, Sunday was the first day that I REALLY did not want to go to my new job. I just didn't want to go at all. Once I was there, it was fine. I had no problem with actually being there. Today, on the other hand, was the first day at this job that I went and REALLY REALLY didn't wanna be there. Today was also the first day that I worked with Alyson, which had nothing to do with the reason I didn't wanna be there. It was actually one of the few things that made it alright. It was just a hellish day at Answer America. There was soooo much going wrong and soooo many calls coming in. I didn't get to take a smoke break until 7pm, (4 hours after I got there,) and didn't get my lunch until 9pm. It was horribly busy. I didn't screw anything up, which was good, and I handled the whole EXTREME business thing really well, but I was soooo tense by the time I took a break. It was driving me crazy. On my breaks today, I called a few people to invite them/remind them about my small birthday party tomorrow night. There are only like 3 people coming, aside from me, my momma and the lesbos. I don't really mind, it is just kinda weird cos' like last year there were like 20 people at my birthday party. There was also quite a bit of drama, so this will prolly be better. I dunno... I still kinda feel like, "What's the fucking point?" and I almost wanna just stay home, but I am not going to. I dunno why not, but I am not. Even though I really kinda want to. I think I will try calling a few more people tomorrow to come. I doubt any more people will come, but whatever. I dunno. I am feeling extremely apathetic about this birthday party. I kinda feel like I already had my real birthday party on Saturday, which is funny, cos' Saturday was meant as the one to appease people and tomorrow, (or today, actually, happy birthday to me,) was meant as the "real" one. Funny how that switched. Things that make ya go hmmmmmm... Anyway, I am sure it'll be alright.

In the midst of calling the people today to come to my birthday party, I kinda made an extra call, to David, the one I talked about in the last entry, who I saw walking past the other day, and decided it was a sign that it wasn't meant to be. Well, today I saw his number in my phone, and decided to call and see if he wanted to come tomorrow. I just got his voicemail, and left him a rather cute message, and doubt that he will call back, but for some reason I felt that was significant enough to mention. I dunno why. I just saw his name in my phone, and for whatever reason got this feeling like I should call. I still have some sort of strange feeling about it. I dunno... odd, huh?

I am gonna shut up. I think the reason that nobody reads my entries anymore is because they are so long... I figured now that I have been updating a little more regularly, they would get shorter, but alas they have not. Oh well, I will just continue writing these horribly long entries just to get shit out of my system, and if nobody reads them... well, it is honestly prolly better that way. I need to go to bed and stop being pessimistic and stupid and letting these not necessarily negative, but downbeat thoughts run through my head and cause downbeat feelings take me over. I must stop. Goodnight!

Jason

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Because Of You I Find It Hard To Trust Not Only Me, But Everyone Around Me... [18 Jul 2005|01:53pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

"Because Of You" By Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you


*****************************************************************************************

I don't really have time to say all that I need to say. This weekend was really cool, but has left me with a few questions about the people that surround me. Friday night was the Kelly Clarkson concert, which was amazing, then the Harry Potter BS thing at Borders, which was also pretty fun, mainly cos' we snuck in some alcohol. Saturday night was my birthday party, which was fun, too. Again, I don't really have the time to write about it now, but I will prolly tonight or tomorrow after work. I will elaborate on all of this later, but right now I just wanted to post these lyrics, because they are everything that has been running through my head lately, all wrapped up in one song.

Jason

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This Is The Fear, This Is The Dread, These Are The Contents Of My Head... [15 Jul 2005|02:45am]
[ mood | lethargic ]

WhyCollapse )

Okay, so first off let me say that I am kinda ecstatic right now... tomorrow is gonna be a great day, I just know it. First thing is I am getting my first paycheck tomorrow, which I cannot wait for! It has been like a month since I have had money! I am soooo fucking psyched to be getting a regular paycheck again! Then, after that, I am going to come home, get all dolled up and look totally fucking cute, then when Jenn gets off she and I are going off to see KELLY CLARKSON! Yes, the day is finally upon us! I absolutely cannot fucking wait! This is gonna be soooo fucking awesome! I love Kelly Clarkson more than most people I actually know, so seeing her in concert is gonna be amazing! More gushing about Kelly in a few... Then, after the concert we are coming back to Sarasota and going to my old job, Borders, to make fun of all our friends there in stupid ass Harry Potter costumes. I am gonna laugh my ass off, and take pictures, which I will be sure not to lock inside my phone, so I can actually share them here. It's gonna be fun. Tomorrow will be a cool day, but a busy one.

Saturday, on the other hand, will be slightly less busy, and I honestly kinda question how cool. I work Saturday, and afterwards I am going out with all the Borders crew for my birthday celebration with them. I have no clue where we are going or what we are doing, but I hope it is not as lame as I already am thinking it will be. I dunno. I just think it will be like any other night going out with them. Like, my birthday is just an excuse for everyone to get drunk. In fact, just in typing that sentence, I have come up with an idea of what I wanna do that night... okay, so still no idea of what I wanna do, but a part of it. I want everyone completely sober to celebrate my birthday. This is gonna be my rule for the evening. I don't care who comes or what we do or where we go... I just want no drinking to take place. Of course, this rule makes it a little difficult to actually find something to do that fits my schedule, considering I get off at 11pm. The only things open at that time are bars. I dunno... I am very gung ho about my new no drinking/no drug lifestyle. I don't wanna do it, at all. I have given myself the two drink limit, but I barely even wanna do that. Like, I still have no problem hanging out with other people while they are drinking, but for my birthday when it is supposed to be like "my night" I think I am allowed to be a bit of a diva and make silly demands of people, and this will be one of them. So it is written, and so it shall be.

I still haven't decided what I am doing for my birthday on the actual day. I have decided it is gonna be a very small event, with My Mom, Amber, Victoria, Jenn and a select few others... very few others. Like 3 or 4 people. If that. I dunno... I just want it to be small. That is all I know... I may not even end up doing anything. That sounds kinda cool right now, actually. I can just hang out with those people at home, and prolly have just as much fun as I would going out somewhere. I dunno. My birthday is weird this year. I feel differently than I have any other year. I dunno why. I do have positive feelings this year, but even more, I just kinda am apathetic to it. Like, I don't really care what happens. I didn't ask for any gifts, aside from the fucking awesome Kelly Clarkson tickets... and that is good enough for me. I just am at a point where I don't really care about new things. They aren't gonna make me happy in the long run, and even more, they aren't gonna further me or make me a better person. All I have for that is me... and that is also good enough.

I dunno if I actually wrote about this before, but if I did, I am going to again now. The no drugs/no alcohol rule I have made for myself is not the only change I am making to my life right now. I am planning on getting a gym membership, which I know I have mentioned before. I have also decided that at least once a week I am turning my cell phone off for at least 8 of my waking hours, which sounds silly, but it has never been done. Like, I use my cell phone kinda a lot, but like, I kinda feel like I have gotten to a point where I am a little too obsessive about it, so I am gonna slowly force myself into having a normal, healthy relationship with it. The biggest thing, though, is that I have decided to buy a guitar. This is gonna be my first large purchase with my new job. Not some crappy little "training wheel" guitar, either. The real thing. Then, I am gonna find someone to teach me to play it. I dunno if there are guitar instructors out there, or if I would need to get someone I know. For some reason, though, I finally have this feeling, this overwhelmingly strong feeling, that if I am actually gonna pursue this dream, the only dream I have ever truly had and held onto and the only thing that I can truly imagine myself spending the rest of my life doing, I HAVE TO do it now. I dunno what it is, but something inside me just suddenly awoke, and it just floored me with this feeling that NOW IS THE TIME. This is when I have to do it. Like, I always felt like it was okay that I wasn't really doing anything to grow towards that goal, but suddenly it is my time... I have to do it now. I have to at least try. I have to learn to write my own music, since I already do lyrics and melodies, and I have to get out there and do it. I have to go out and finally, after all of these years of dreaming, and make this dream come true... or die trying. I just know that right now... this point in my life, and this very moment, MY TIME IS NOW. I am still uncertain as to how it is all gonna go down, but the first step I am taking is buying a guitar, learning how to play it, and starting to write music to go with my lyrics, or new lyrics to go with the music I write. I dunno. I just know that this is it... it is now or never for me.

I feel like I am at a sort of crossroads. I almost feel as if I have finally tapped into a different level of my mind, that is now changing the way I view everything in my life, and giving me a strong new sense of intuition. Oddly enough, I think it may have something to do with the "Fallen Angel" I met the other night. Maybe not... actually, prolly not. Anyway, let me tell you the story, then you tell me I am crazy, then I will believe it anyway. The other night I was at work, and I went outside to smoke only to find something strange. When I got outside there was a cab in our parking lot. My work is a very tiny building, right in the middle of the mexican ghetto. A lot of strange stuff happens in that parking lot. One night my Mom came to pick me up and watched a prostitute get picked up. I keep hearing stories about the person who got killed in the parking lot across the street. Shit like that. Anyway, so this cab was there, and I could see and hear the guy inside being really loud and obnoxious to the driver, which I didn't think much of. Then the guy got out and starting walking away from our parking lot. Then, of course, he spotted me standing there smoking, and decided to come over and talk. I DO have a tendency to attract the crazies. Anyway, so this guy was really drunk and weird. He came over and started flirting with me. He was older, and prolly semi-attractive when not in a drunken stupor, but not attractive enough to actually be attracted to... but he smelled really bad. Like drunk people do. So, he comes over and starts asking me if I believe in the supernatural. I say yeah, sure I do, to a certain extent. He asks me if I believe that everything happens for a reason, and again I say yeah, sure. Then he asks me if I believe in Fallen Angels, and he looks me in the eye in a really strange intense way. This one I say, "I dunno... I guess I never really thought about it." And he keeps looking me in the eye, in this different really intense way, as if there is something I know or can see, but am denying or something like that. I dunno.. it was really weird. So, he starts talking about how everyone has problems, and how he has problems, but he's trying to fix them. I just kinda shrug it off, and give one of my generic sayings, like, "That makes sense," or "That's really good." Anyway, so then he tells me that he likes my rainbow necklace, so I automatically know where it is going. Like, I don't get hit on a lot, but when I do it always comes from somebody commenting on my necklace or my tattoo. One of the two will come into play somehow. So, as soon as he said that, I knew it was coming. He's like, "I like that a lot, cos ya know... I'm gay, too." To which I was just like, "Oh, that's cool." Then he starts touching me, which is weird. He is like really kinda copping a feel, and I am too polite to say anything, like, "Dude, stop... that's creepy." Anyway, so he finally is like ready to walk away, and he says it was really nice meeting you. So, I say it was nice meeting him, too. Then he goes in for a hug, and I'm like, whatever, so I hug him back, and even though he held it for a little longer than is appropriate when hugging a complete stranger, it's okay. It doesn't really matter to me. So, he steps back and tries to flirt a little more, to which I am completely not responding, so he's ready to walk away again, but this time he opens up his mouth all wide and goes in for a kiss, so I quickly turn my head and get a big wet one on the cheek. So, after that he pretty well got the clue, and left. It was really really strange and random. I dunno why, but I felt like it meant something. Not anything to do with him trying to make out with me or whatever, but the stuff he talked about and the way he looked at me when talking about fallen angels, and trying to fix his problems. I dunno... it was strange. I dunno. It kinda seemed like he was implying that he WAS a fallen angel. I dunno... fuck, maybe he was. Either way, I was not gonna have sex with him.

Anyway, it wasn't until after that night that this feeling came. This feeling that now is the time for me to pursue my dreams. I dunno. Like, a few weeks back, like right after I quit Borders, Victorias mom called and talked to me for like 20 minutes. I don't really know her. I met her like once or twice before, but she called and talked to me for a long time, and I just kinda dismissed most of what she said, but she said that she knew the first time she met me, before Amber or I ever met Victoria, and all of this happened in our lives, she just knew that my destiny was before me. It was right around the corner for me, and I just had to make sure that I would recognise it and accept it when it came. That kinda struck me at the time, too. I dunno. Victoria's mom, even according to Victoria, is kinda crazy. I just kinda shrugged off most of what she said, but that stuck with me. I dunno... I am a firm believer in God giving us signs in mysterious ways. I kinda think that my sign will come in the form of "crazy" people. I really think that really drunk or crazy or way too eccentric people are my prophets. All of my life they have always approached me and talked to me about really random cryptic things. I dunno... I really am beginning to think that.

Anyway, so today at work, around 5:30, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. Blah blah blah, random bullshit... or so I thought. When I got outside, I checked my pockets and realised that I didn't actually bring my cigarettes out with me. So, I went back inside to get them. I was there for a minute, because some of the ladies I worked with decided to take the time to kinda make fun of me for forgetting my cigarettes when I was going outside specifically to smoke. Anyway, when I got outside, I noticed walking down the street, just getting to the corner opposite ours, David, the little goth kid who used to work at Protocol, and who I had the HUGEST crush on. I kinda stumbled upon him online recently and talked to him for a little while, exchanged numbers, etc... anyway, so by the time I got out there, he was already on the other side of the street, which would have meant that in order to actually say something to him, I woulda had to yell pretty loudly, and he woulda had to actually come back across the street to actually talk to me. In other words, it woulda been horribly inconvenient. Thing is, had I actually had my cigarettes on me the first time, I woulda been standing out there smoking in plain view when he came walking by, and had I been right there where I could see him and he could see me, I or he surely woulda said something, which woulda struck up a conversation which woulda prolly led to us talking more, yada yada yada... so I take that as a sign that he and I were simply never meant to be. Like circumstance kept it from happening, whatever "it" may have ended up being. I dunno... I think I am just gonna shut up about all of that.

More About Kelly Clarkson!!!Collapse )

Alright, so I am gonna stop being a girl, and stop squeeing about my imagined concert experience, so I can go to sleep, wake up and be that much closer to my actual concert experience! I cannot wait! This is gonna be awesome, and y'all know I am gonna end up writing about it in here! Until then...

Jason

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Funny, Since This Is On My Compilation Of Summatime Jams... [12 Jul 2005|03:05am]
[ mood | happy ]


Your Summer Anthem is Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson

Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes


Your summer will be marked by heartache - but mostly happiness.

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This Time Could Be What We've Both Been Searching For... [12 Jul 2005|02:53am]
[ mood | pleased ]

JetstreamCollapse )

Okay, so I don't really know what to say at this point, except that I think that things are getting better in my life. I hope they are, and I hope they continue to, and I am gonna put my best foot forward and finally make a fucking effort to make sure that they are and they keep it up. So, where to start? I dunno... I guess I'll go into why I am feeling the way that I am. I am not sure exactly what it is... perhaps the job. perhaps my friends. perhaps just some random happening that made me look at things a little differently. I don't really... let me just begin where the last entry left off.

Okay, so my job did give me next friday off... apparently my regular schedule is gonna be 3-11pm, Tuesdays and Fridays off, which I think is awesome. A lot of people are like, "But don't you want two days off in a row?" And my answer is no, I don't want two days off in a row. I mean, it'd be alright, too, but I kinda prefer to work a few days, have a day off, then work a couple more days. I dunno, I just prefer to have the week broken up. I mean, if I had weekends off, it'd prolly be different, but that is not a possibility in this business, cos' they really thrive on the weekends. I am really fine with my schedule, and I really kinda love my job. It is soooo simple. I get stressed out every once in a while, cos' I'll have stupid callers, or stupid people at the businesses I am answering for. Especially doctors. So many doctors are insane bitches! They are just mean for no reason... you make one silly tiny mistake, and they will scream at you for like ten minutes about it. Whatever, though, the good FAR outweighs the bad in this place. Time passes sooo quickly, it is simple work, the people are cool, I have fun there, and if I don't, oh well... I get paid well to sit on my ass. On the 4th of July I made double time to spend pretty much the entire day reading Star Magazine. That is ALL I did. There were really so few calls that I sat there reading that magazine from cover to cover. I learned sooo much, too. Did you notice that Hilary Duff had gotten veneers since her Lizzie McGuire days? I didn't, either. She is growing up sooo gorgeous. My hatred for Tom Cruise grew 3 sizes that day, too. I think this may actually have something to do with why I am feeling so much more positive lately.

My friend Alyson and I were talking the other day, about Tom Cruise, and how much I hate him. It is funny, really, because I have become like Lindsay Lohan's character in "Mean Girls." I spend 80% of my time talking about Tom Cruise and the other 20% hoping somebody else will bring him up so I can talk about him more. I REALLY HATE HIM!!! Anyway, Alyson and I decided that when I start feeling negatively towards the people that are actually in my life, I should just start talking about or thinking about or somehow focusing that negative energy towards Tom Cruise. I have really been working on shaking these negative feelings towards my friends. It's been going pretty well, too. Friday night I went out with Bree and Alyson. Just the three of us. That hasn't happened in a LONG time. It was actually really nice, and I had a lot of fun with them. So, later in the night when the three of us went to Shakespeares and met up with everybody else, it was just as good. Like, I didn't have those negative feelings towards them, so I didn't have those negative feelings toward the rest of them. It was really a cool night. The only thing that sucks is that Jenn wasn't there. She was really tired, and stayed home to sleep. I almost wonder if that isn't why things were so much more laid back and friendly that night. Like, I love Jenn. Jenn is like my best friend, along with my best friends back in CA. We have gotten that close, and I am very thankful to have her in my life... However, I do know that she has a tendency to be kinda negative about our friends. Like, I wonder if her negativity towards them didn't rub off on me. I dunno... but it was a good night, anyway. Bree was very sweet and kept talking about my birthday. When I met them at Borders she was buying me a card, which was cool. I also looked really cute on Friday night. I decided to do my hair and makeup up, just cos' I hadn't in a long time. It was fun.

So, Alyson and I have been talking a lot lately... well, not necessarily a lot, but a lot more than usual. I am starting to feel a lot closer to her, and that is very good. I have even given her the number to my work so she can try to get a job there, as well. I think that could be cool. I mean, it would give me somebody I actually know at work, and it would give her a job that pays a lot better and is a lot more laid back than Borders. I dunno. Anyway, Saturday night Jenn stayed home again, because of the hurricane and all, and Alyson said that she wasn't going, either, and I was honestly just way too tired, and didn't really wanna go out... so I stayed home. Funny thing is, Bree didn't call me at like 11:30 or midnight asking where the hell I was. I guess she has gotten used to us punking out. That makes me very sad. I think I am gonna give her a call tomorrow to see what she is up to. It has been a while since we have done the mid-week call thing. We used to do it a lot. I dunno... things have gotten so strange. I am just trying to repair them or learn to deal with them the way they are. I just know that they aren't their best right now. I also know that Bree and I could be very good friends for a long time, and Alyson and I could as well. We just have to deal with what we are dealing with now first.

The only one I still feel really weird about is Jenn. I wonder if she's not getting depressed again. She has had problems with depression in her past, and ever since the trip to Louisville she has been weird. She has honestly seemed down. In Louisville we were around her Dad, which has always been a soft spot for her, plus she had some issues with an ex while we were there, which kinda sucked. I dunno. Plus, I haven't been able to spend any time with her since then, with the job and all. So, tomorrow is all dedicated to Jenn. I am texting her early and telling her she must come over, and we will hang out and do whatever the hell she wants. Then Friday we are going to see Kelly Clarkson together, (ONLY 4 DAYS, I AM SOOOO EXCITED!!!) and I HAVE to take her out this weekend and do whatever the hell she feels like and pay for absolutely everything, since she spent a good month or so paying for everything we did. I dunno. I love Jenn more than most people. I think I really understand her on a deeper level, and she understands me better than most people I know. I dunno. It was funny, on Friday night when I went in to Borders alone, everyone kept asking me, "Hey, where's your other half?" "Where's your siamese twin?" etc etc etc. I never realised how much people have begun to associate us with one another. I dunno. I like it. It used to concern me, because she has kinda become known for stirring things up in our group, and I always worried that eventually people would begin turning to me for answers about that, but now I realise, so what if they do? All I have to say is "Go fuck yourself," or something along those lines, and the conversation will be over. I dunno... I just realise that now is definitely the time for me to step up and really be there for her, because she honestly seems like she needs somebody to, and who better than me, her best friend? OMG! I just thought of something! It's time for me to be her 21!!! I finally understand that song!... like, I did before, but not entirely, and now I do. I finally see! (btw, if you don't know what the hell I am talking about, look a few entries back in my journal, and you will see that as my featured song, it's called "Time To Be Your 21" by Alexz Johnson, and it is brilliant!)

Anyway, I dunno... things have gotten better, though, with Bree and Alyson, with my life, even with Amber and Victoria, who I, for a long time, was beginning to have absolutely no relationship or association with whatsoever. I am really glad, though, too, that all of this stuff seems to be on the mend. Now, I just have to focus on prolly the most important of all, Jenn, my best friend, (and of course, I mean along with Don, Amy and Mike.) I dunno... now I am just looking forward to Friday!!! Not only will it be the first time I will have money in god knows how long, but I will also be spending time with Jenn, having waaaaaaaay too much fun seeing KELLY FUCKING CLARKSON!!!! I cannot wait! Things just keep looking up!!!

Jason

P.S. Don't worry, I haven't gone crazy, I am still waiting for the day that they start looking down... I know it's around the corner. I AM still me, after all.

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Just So Ya Know... [08 Jul 2005|06:56am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

Hey Everybody,

Just so ya know, as if you actually care, I made an update on my creative writing journal, kingof_pain, which is the first song I have written in quite a while, and one that I am actually very proud of, called, "Passive." I dunno... I like it a lot and am proud of the way it turned out, so check it out if you wanna! Again, that is at kingof_pain.

Jason

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Just To Be Obnoxious!... [07 Jul 2005|12:48am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

To Be Slightly Less Obnoxious!...Collapse )

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I've Got A Reason Now To Bury This Alive, Another Little White Lie... [07 Jul 2005|12:30am]
[ mood | tired ]

Just so ya know... this was actually written a few days ago. Sunday Night, I believe, sometime in the middle of the night. Our internet connection disappeared as I was in the middle of writing this. In any sense, it is still true today.

*******************************************************************************************************

SkinCollapse )

Okay, so I really must say... I have got TONS to write about! Ahhhhh! Where did I leave off in my last entry?! Oh yeah, it was a few days before the trip to Louisvlille. Well, what can I say about the trip to Louisville. It was short, but sweet. On Wednesday night Jenn and I went to Shakespeares, (the bar we go to every weekend,) for a few drinks with our friend Alyson, then planned on crashing at Jenns house for the night and getting up all kindsa early in the morning and hit the road. After having a few drinks, we all left, and on the way back to Jenns house she just randomly asked me, "Hey, you wanna just stop at my house, then go?" I was like, "Why not?" like Hilary Duff, so we just went. We drove til about 4:30 or 5am before she got too tired, so we stopped at a really funky motel in Adel, GA to sleep for a few hours. I think I only slept a total of like an hour. Then it was back on the road. The trip there was long, but cool. We had a lot of fun in the car, singing along with both Madonna Greatest Hits albums and talking shit and checking out other drivers and shit like that. We got to Jenns Dads house around 8pm on Thursday night, which really would been about the time we woulda gotten there had we just left in the morning. What I didn't know, though, was that her Dad is a rich mother fucker! It was a little intimidating, and surprising, cos' Jenn really doesn't seem like a person who grew up wealthy, (and I do ACTUALLY mean wealthy.) I just never expected it. It was cool, though. We were barely there, anyway. We just stayed at their house Thursday night, then did a little exploring in Louisville the next day. It was pretty cool. I was actually gonna do a photo entry about it when I first got back, but due to complications between my fucked up mind and my cell phone, I am not sure how I can do that!

Anyway, we spent Friday just kinda dicking around Louisville. It is really a pretty awesome city. We went to one of the coolest record stores I have ever been to, called Ear Extasy. It was pretty awesome. We also got drunk in the park, and ate at the Irish Rover, then went to hang out with some of her friends. We left very early the next morning and were back home by like 10ish on Saturday night. It was a cool trip. I dunno... I feel a little lethargic about that trip, really. Like, I didn't come home feeling like something great was gained by the trip, or that it was just some really amazing experience, but it was cool. I dunno... It is hard to explain. I think maybe the fact that it was so short took away from it. I dunno. I would definitely like to spend a little more time in the area sometime in the future. It seemed really cool. There was just a really cool vibe to it all. I still wish we had stopped for at least a few minutes in Nashville, and had actually gone through Memphis. I really wanted to go through those two places, as they were the most exciting areas we were going through on the drive, and we didn't get to do either. It's all good, though. I will someday be able to spend as much fucking time as I feel like in either of those places, or any other place I feel like. Maybe... I dunno. Prolly not. But now I am being pessimistic. What an asshat I am!

Anyway, so things have been a little wierd with all of my friends since I got back from that trip. I think I have pissed off Bree more times than I realise, Jenn has been a little distant and strange since we got back, and Alyson has irritated me everytime I have seen her, (which has been more than I generally would in a regular week.) I dunno. I feel strangely close to Alyson, despite the fact that she irritates me. Like, I dunno how to explain it. I have been pretty ambivalent towards Bree, not really giving a shit that I am letting her down, but at the same time feeling extremely guilty. I dunno how to explain Jenn. It has just been weird. I dunno. I kinda feel like I am growing apart from them all. Well, maybe not Jenn, but the other two. It is strange. I dunno. My feelings towards them all are very strange right now. Plus, there are other factors adding to these feelings. For example, I have decided that I don't wanna be a substance abuser anymore. Like, not that I was a major one before, but I got to a point where I was drinking waaaaay more than I should. Waaaaay more than I did before when I said that I thought I was drinking too much. Then there's that other thing I have been doing lately. I don't wanna do it, anymore, either, which I think was a big part of why the last time I hung out with Jenn was so weird. We did it, then we went out, and I just wasn't feeling any of it. I didn't wanna be at Shakespeares, and we wound up leaving really early, and I didn't want to do that thing that we did, so I just wound up feeling like shit that night.

Another factor in my strange, somewhat dwindling relationship with my friends is that I have new time restraints. I said that when I got back from Louisville I would have no excuse not to buckle down and find a job, and oddly enough, I actually did it! It is so strange, too, cos' I never follow through when I say shit like that, but not 3 days after I got back, I got hired at a job which seems pretty perfect for me. It is at a place called Answer America, which is an answering service for a bazillion different businesses. It's a lot like Protocol, but a lot smaller and a lot less people, which equals a lot less drama. It's a really simple job, I get to sit on my ass, and make $8 an hour. The people have all been really cool, and it all seems pretty perfect. It is the most laid back job I have ever had, too. Like, I can sit there and read magazines, eat, even talk on my cell phone at my desk. As long as I am doing my job, they don't care what else I do. It all seems really cool, and I am pretty happy with it so far. I just hope it stays that way for at least a little while. I do have a tendency to really like a job for a couple of months, then come to absolutely hate it. I dunno, tho... I think this will prolly be different. The main reason that I think that is because while I keep saying how much I love it and think it is absolutely perfect for me, I don't actually feel that way. I am kinda intimidated by it. It freaks me out. I honestly am not sure that I can handle it. I dunno... I figure since I never felt that way at any of my other jobs, this may be a good sign. Like, I do enjoy it. I do kinda think that it is a good job for me, but it also freaks me out. Like, I kinda wanna see if I CAN handle it. Part of me is certain that I can, but another part is more sure that I cannot than I have ever been sure of anything. I dunno... I think it'll go well, as long as I get next Friday off.

So, ya wanna know why I need next Friday off? Do ya? Do ya, really? Well, okay, I guess... I think I'm like, due or something. j/k. Seriously, though, because next Friday, no matter what else is going on, it is not only my first payday at this job, but I will be out seeing FUCKING KELLY CLARKSON!!! This is a biiiiiig deal for me, and I absolutely cannot fucking wait! It is gonna be sooo awesome! Kelly is one of my absolute favourite artists. Her music is amazing, and all of her live performances have been amazing, so I cannot wait to have the actual live experience! It is gonna be fucking awesome!!! Jenn is going with me, and I think it is gonna be waaaaay too much fun! I cannot wait! Other concert possibilities for the next few months are, Hilary Duff in Estero, (which I really really wanna go to!) The Killers in Tampa, (Which I also really really really wanna go to!) and the newly formed John Mayer Trio in Orlando, (Which I would absolutely LOOOOOOOOVE to see!) I dunno, though. My job is a little weird about giving days off like that, but we'll see. I dunno... Everything seems to be going pretty well for me lately.

Normally I would think it was kinda strange for things to be going so well and for me to feel so shitty, but then I remember what time it is. My birthday is 2 weeks away. Okay, 15 days, but whatever. Don't be an asshole. I always get fucked up for the month preceding my birthday. Which would really kinda explain the reasons for the strange feelings towards my friends and such. I am really not sure what exactly it is, but every year I get really psycho depressed right before my birthday. I am not THAT bad this year, particularly compared to the past few years, but it is definitely there. The past few years I haven't really had a group of friends like I have now, so the relationships were not affected by it. Like, I had people who had known me for years and knew what to expect... people whose friendships I felt secure and confident with. These friends I have to constantly question. I mean, I love them, but I don't necessarily fully trust them all. I mean, I can honestly say that I trust Jenn, but the rest, I can't. Not at all. It is really fucked up. I keep thinking that I want to just pull out of that group altogether, and just hang out with Jenn, and Amber, Victoria and their friends. It is so strange, cos' when I hang out with their friends, (people from Protocol, oddly enough,) everything just feels so much easier. So much more relaxed and enjoyable. I can go out with them and their people, and not have some chip on my shoulder because I just know for certain that one of them will inevitably give me a reason for a chip on my shoulder. It is just so much easier. I really think I am gonna slowly pull away from the Borders people, and just float for a while. I am just sick of it all. Or maybe not. Maybe this is just all because of my birthday. I guess I will just have to wait and see after my birthday has come and gone...

Until then....

Jason


***************************************************************************************

Also, as another little sidebar, I think I have decided to bleach my hair for the Kelly Clarkson concert. Not really JUST for the concert, but to do something different... I just think it would be cute for the concert to have the same color as Kelly, and the same transition from brown to blond! Plus, I think my makeup will look cute with blond hair, too. I haven't had blond hair in a long time. I haven't worn makeup in a long time, either. I think it is about time to do both again.... tell me, what do you think? :-P

Jason

P.S. I hate when people write in their journals like they are actually talking to people :-P

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So Tired Of Being Ruthless & Reckless... [21 Jun 2005|09:59pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Time To Be Your 21Collapse )

I am not sure what to say at this point. I dunno what all has taken place since last I wrote. Well, I quit my job at Borders a few weeks back. It may not have been the wisest decision, or it may have... That is really yet to be determined. My friend, Jenn, set me up with an interview at her workplace, and I went in & interviewed, and felt pretty confident that I would be getting the position. So, I went in to Borders later that day & put in my two week notice, which I fulfilled, but never got the other job. So, I have spent the past few weeks being unemployed. I haven't even looked for a job, due to one major distraction, and one good excuse not to. Day after tomorrow, I am outta here for a few days. I am headed to Louisville, KY with my friend, Jenn. She moved here from there not too long ago, and now we are going back to get some of the stuff she had to leave behind before. Basically, a good excuse to head off to Louisville for a coupla days and party or hang out or whatever. I think it will be fun. It just seemed a little ridiculous to go out and try to find a job so I could start my first week & say "Hey, I need next week off... Sorry." Ya know? It just seemed like a better idea to wait 'til I get back, which means that I will have no excuse once I get back not to get on the ball & go look for a fucking job.

A coupla people at Borders have actually expressed that I should just come back there, which I dunno about. I mean, it would be very easy to just say, "Eh, fuck it," and just go back. Then I think of the reasons why I quit in the first place. I had gotten to the point where I was pretty miserable there. It sucked, and I don't necessarily wanna dive back into the exact same thing. It would seem a little ridiculous. This, of course, does not mean that my time with Borders is over. One of my former supervisors and I were discussing a gay/lesbian reading group, and she asked me if I would like to organise/moderate it. At first I was a little perplexed by this, and barely considered the idea, but given more thought, I think I may actually do it. I would love to do something more for the community, and I think a GLBT book club could be a good place to start, as miniscule as it may seem. Plus, it would be a cool way to meet other gay people on a higher intellectual plane. Plus, I have always liked the idea of joining a book club. I am not really a HUGE reader, but I would like to read a lot more, and more positively gay-themed books. I dunno... I am already getting ideas. I think the first book would be "Tommy's Tale" by Alan Cummings, which was an amazing book. I think it could be fun.

I dunno what else to discuss really... My life is in an odd place right now. Things will change soon. I know it. I can feel it. I don't know how exactly, but I know it's coming. I am glad for it, too. It is time for me to be something more than I am right now. It is time for me to, as the song above says, "Walk before I run," & "Crash into the sun." I think that is very important right now. My time has come to live without warning. I am ready, willing & able to change. I am willing and waiting to find my destiny. I cannot wait. I only hope that I will recognise it & accept it when it comes. I dunno what will happen next, but I am open to it, and I am ready for it to come. Any day now... Time to walk before I run.

Jason

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Bla Bla Fun Times... [07 Jun 2005|11:38am]
[ mood | complacent ]

Directions: List your six currently favorite songs, and then tag six people who have to do it too.

In no particular order:

1. Courtney Love - "Hold On To Me"
2. "La Vie Boheme" from RENT
3. Kelly Clarkson - "Behind These Hazel Eyes"
4. The Libertines - "Can't Stand Me Now"
5. Black Eyed Peas - "Don't Lie"
6. Liz Phair - "Jeremy Engle"

[Bad username: lefthere2linger,] kissingyou singingjoy allisony2k botzz kissingyou

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I Can't Continue With The Kylie Tune Or I Will Never Get It Out Of My Head... [06 Jun 2005|08:00pm]
[ mood | curious ]

1. Reply with your name and I will write something random about you.
2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I will tell you my first memory of you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal, or else!

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I'm So Bored That I'm Taking This Quiz, Now Quizzes Are All I Can Think About... *Same Kylie Tune* [06 Jun 2005|07:53pm]
[ mood | blah ]

01. Bree
02. Alyson
03. Jenn
04. Mikey
05. Gabe
06. Don
07. Mike Scott
08. Mark
09. Amber
10. Victoria
11. Ashley
12. Alicia
13. John
14. Dan
15. Tim
16. Dick
17. Amy
18. Heather
19. David
20. Emily

*Is #9 a boy or a girl? Girl who acts more like a boy
*Would #1 and #2 make a good couple? Not at all
*How about #18 and #4? Hell No, considering 18 is a girl, and 4 is a gay man
*What grade is #17 in? Umm, not in school
*When was the last time you talked to #12? Saturday, she woke me up when she called me
*What is #6's favorite band? He LOVES Britney Spears more than most people love their friends & family
*Does #1 have any siblings? No, not unless she has been hiding them
*Would you ever date #3? No, she's a girl & one of my best friends
*Would you ever date #7? Heh, loaded question
*Is #16 single? No
*What's #15's last name? I have not a clue, I have heard it a few times, but don't remember
*What's #10's middle name? Dammit, I know I know this one! Suzanne, I believe
*What's #5's favorite thing to do? Ummm, he is an artist. He spends lots of time on his Tablet
*Is #13 hot? Yes, actually
*Would #14 and #19 make a good couple? Perhaps, if they weren't both straight guys
*What school does #20 go to? I don't remember, although she has told me a few times
*Tell me a random fact about #11: She is a flight attendant, and is one of the most awesome chicks I know
*And #3: She has a picture of Dave Chappelle on her cell phone, and does a great Towelie impression... wanna get high?
*Have you ever had a crush on #15? Maybe a little
*Where does #9 live? In the same house as I do, here in Sarasota
*What's #4's favorite color? Blue, if memory serves
*Would you make out with #14? Yes, prolly
*Are #5 & #6 best friends? No, they have never met
*Does #7 like #20? No, they have never met
*Does #8 like #19? I don't think they have ever really talked
*How did you meet #2? We both worked at Borders
*How did you meet #18? Her Mom was dating my Dad
*Is #12 older than you? No, she is one of the few on that list who are not
*Is # 17 the sexiest person alive, or what? She is pretty hot, but I don't know if she is the sexiest person alive

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Bla Bla Bla, Bla Bla Bla Bla Bla, I'm Just Bored So I'm Taking This Quiz... *To the Kylie Tune* [06 Jun 2005|07:38pm]
[ mood | bored ]

[ Current Clothes ] Grey sweatpants & a blue ringer tee that says "Slacker" on it, (from KMart - I am such a fucking scrub!)
[ Current Mood ] Kinda tired, kinda bored
[ Current Music ] Black Eyed Peas "Don't Lie," which is a really really great song from their new album.
[ Current Taste ] Marlboro Milds 100s
[ Current Make-up ] None
[ Current Hair ] I currently have a very very preppy haircut, short & spiky, but it is really really messy right now.
[ Current Annoyance ] My cat, being a fucking urethra face
[ Current Smell ] Again with the Marlboro Milds 100s
[ Current Favorite Musician ] Scissor Sisters, Kylie, Alanis, Courtney Love, Dashboard Confessional
[ Current Desktop Picture ] Chris Carrabba of Dashboard Confessional
[ Current Favorite Group ] Scissor Sisters, Dashboard Confessional
[ Current Book you're reading ] The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants, (which I started long before I knew there was a movie, bitches!)
[ Current CD in CD Player] "Rent" Original Broadway Cast Recording Disc 1, (the first act, which is soooo fabulous!)
[ Current Color Of Toenails ] Ummm... toenail colored
[ Current Refreshment ] Mountain Dew, in an old Wendys cup
[ Current Worry ] Getting a fucking job, cos' I have now been out of work for almost 2 weeks

LAST PERSON...
[ You Touched ] Prolly my Momma
[ You Talked to ] My best friend in Florida, Jenn, on the phone
[ You Hugged ] I think this guy Tim we met at the bar the other night, or Samantha who works at the bar
[ You Instant messaged ] Mikey, last night
[ You Yelled At ] Bree, I believe

FAVORITE...
[ Food ] Good question, I don't even know anymore
[ Drink ] Midori Sours, Woodchuck, or Mountain Dew Code Red
[ Color ] Pink &/or Black
[ Album ] Scissor Sisters, Live Through This by Hole, Impossible Princess by Kylie Minogue
[ Shoes ] Vans... particularly my pink & black checkered ones
[ Candy ] Gummi Bears
[ Animal ] Gummi Bears?
[ TV Show ] Degrassi: The Next Generation, & The L Word
[ Movie ] Camp, & Mean Girls is definitely one of my favourites
[ Dance ] I dunno... the Ketchup Dance, which is really just the Hand Jive but faster?
[ Song ] Hard one to call... I am loving, "Unlovable" by Darren Hayes lately, as well as "Out Tonight" & "Another Day" from Rent. As far as more permanent favourites, I have always been partial to "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" & "Drop The Pilot" & "The Weakness In Me" by Joan Armatrading
[ Vegetable ] Broccoli?
[ Fruit ] Tomatoes?
[ Cartoon ] Daria

ARE YOU...
[ Understanding ] Yes
[ Open-minded ] Yes
[ Arrogant ] Not that I know of, although I'm sure everyone is a little arrogant about certain issues
[ Insecure ] A little, but not enough to let it show very often
[ Interesting ] I am told
[ Random ] Yes, definitely
[ Friendly ] Yes, definitely
[ Moody ] On occasion
[ Childish ] About certain things
[ Independent ] No, not really
[ Hard working ] When I have a job, I am
[ Organized ] Not at all
[ Healthy ] Prolly not
[ Emotionally Stable ] Prolly not at all
[ Shy ] No
[ Difficult ] On occasion
[ Attractive] I'd do me
[ Bored Easily ] Yes & No
[ Messy ] Yes
[ Thirsty ] Not at the moment
[ Responsible ] Not really
[ Obsessed ] I am obsessive about a lot of things, yes
[ Angry ] No, not at all
[ Sad ] Yes, definitely
[ Happy ] Yeah, to a certain extent
[ Hyper ] Not usually, no
[ Trusting ] Yes, prolly to a fault... but then again, no, also prolly to a fault
[ Talkative ] Yes, definitely

WHO DO YOU WANT TO...
[ Kill ] Nobody
[ Slap ] Not many people, but my friends have all incited the urge to get slappy every now & then
[ Get Really Wasted With ] It's not who I want to get really wasted with, but who I do get really wasted with every weekend, which are all of my friends from the Borders Crew
[ Get High With ] My friend Jenn, who it happens with fairly often lately
[ Look Like ] Nobody, really... although I do like the looks of those crazy scene kids around here, who all wear really tight jeans & dirty shirts & have lesbian haircuts, but I would never actually try the look - I just think they are hot
[ Talk To Offline ] My best friend, Don, back in Cali
[ Talk To Online ] I dunno... Cassie Steele

[ My Name Is ] Jason
[ In The Morning I Am ] Sleeping
[ All I Need Is ] A room somewhere? Peace, Love & A Hard Cock? If I knew what I needed, I would have it, or at least be making more of an effort to get it
[ Love Is ] Something elusive, and sometime nauseus-making, but wonderful when it is available & real
[ I'm Afraid of ] Dying alone
[ I Dream About ] Recently, sex with a good friend, who I am not really attracted to

HAVE YOU EVER...
[ Pictured your crush naked? ] Nah, never? What the fuck kinda question is that? If you have a crush & you haven't pictured them naked, there is something horribly wrong with you
[ Actually seen your crush naked ] Quite a few times... cos' I'm good like that
[ Been in love ] Yeh, and it sucked
[ Cried when someone died ] Yes, be it someone I actually know or someone else, like Aaliyah, cos' I did cry when she died.
[ Lied ] A ton of times... it's sometimes too easy to not do

WITH THE OPPOSITE SAME SEX...
What do you notice first about: .
[ Looks ] Hair, Nose, Ass
[ Personality ] Nerdiness, which is kinda improtant to me
[ Last person you slow danced with ] Sadly, my friend Bree, who is a girl
[ Worst question to ask ] In my case, it would be "Wanna go out sometime?" Big turn-off when someone is ACTUALLY interested... worst statement would prolly be, "I am gay," because again, big turn-off - loving the straight men for whatever reason!

WHO...
[ Makes you laugh the most? ] Jenn
[ Makes you smile ] A lotta people
[ Gives you a funny feeling when you see them ] This dude I see around town all the time who always comes up & says hey... I think I love him
[ Who do you have a crush on? ] That dude from the last question
[ Who has a crush on you? ] Nobody that I know of
[ Who is easiest to talk to ] Prolly My Momma

DO YOU EVER...
[ sit on the internet all night waiting for someone special to I.M. you? ] No
[ save aol/aim conversations ] No, never
[ wish you were a member of the opposite sex ] No... actually think I am, on occasion :-P
[cry because of someone saying something to you] I have, but not in a long time

HAVE YOU EVER....
[ fallen for your best friend ] Yes
[ been rejected ] Yes
[ rejected someone ] Yes
[ used someone ] Yes
[ done something you regret ] Maybe once

DO YOU // ARE YOU...
[ smoke cigarettes ] Yes
[ color your hair ] Yes
[ ever get off the damn computer ] Yes. I am not actually on all that often
[ habla espanol ] Si, pequeno
[ drink alchohol? ] Si, mucho mucho cervezas
[ like watching sunrises or sunset ] No, neither
[ what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?] Speaking from experience, when someone you love hurts you physically, because that hurts on both levels.

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It's Time Now To Sing Out, Though The Story Never Ends... [15 May 2005|04:26am]
[ mood | drunk ]

"Seasons Of Love"

COMPANY
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments So Dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?
In Daylights - In Sunsets
In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee
In Inches - In Miles
In Laughter - In Strife

In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life

How About Love?
How About Love?
How About Love?
Measure In Love

Seasons Of Love
Seasons Of Love

SOLOIST #1
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Journeys To Plan

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure The Life
Of A Woman Or A Man?

SOLOIST #2
In Truths That She Learned
Or In Times That He Cried
In Bridges He Burned
Or The Way That She Died

ALL
It's Time Now - To Sing Out
Tho' The Story Never Ends
Let's Celebrate
Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends

Remember The Love
Remember The Love
Remember The Love
Measure In Love

SOLOIST #1
Measure, Measure Your Life In Love

Seasons Of Love...
Seasons Of Love

*******************************************************************************************

I am a little drunk... I won't write too much, because of that. hehehe... Well, I just wanted to write an entry to say that tonight kicked ass. I had to miss this years Sarasota Pride cos' I had to work at my stupid job that I am quitting anyway, but I gathered a group of my fabulous & super cool friends to go to the after party, which was soooo much fucking fun. It was really important to me that we go, cos' it's FUCKING PRIDE. Pride has always been very important to me & now that I am old enough to actually get into the clubs & such & really appreciate Pride events, it is important to me to make it to whatever events I can, so I was glad that despite having to miss the actual Pride event, I at least got to make it to the after-party. It was so much fun, too. I got to stroke a dudes cock, I hooked up my best friend & met some really awesome people & went to an after-after-party. It was all in all a pretty awesome night. I am too drunk to go on about emotional stuff right now, but the song up there really reflects my mood right now. I am obsessed with "Rent" right now, (the soundtrack, anyway,) & I am really dying to actually see the show. I actually wanna be in the show, (despite the fact that I could NEVER be an actor,) cos' I wanna play Angel! Anyway, I am gonna shut up & go to bed, where I REALLY should be right now! Just wanted to say hey, and that I had a great time... hope you all have happy pride experiences as well, even if you aren't gay!

Jason

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I Changed My Mind, I Can't Decide, There's Too Many Variations To Consider... [10 May 2005|01:11am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

On The BoundCollapse )

Well, well, well... here I am again, writing this post that I have written before. I am quitting my job. It is different this time, though, because I am not doing it like I did last time. I am not letting my disdain for my job bottle up until I blow a fuse & just walk out in the middle of my shift. I am, instead, taking the high road, and doing what I have been told to do so many times in my past & never actually done. I am waiting until I have another job secured before I quit this one. It really is a good idea. Hopefully when I return to work on Wednesday, I will be in that position, and be able to put in my 2 weeks notice at Borders. Thanks in large part to my best friend here in Florida, Jenn, I have an interview with the company she works for, Forest Products, tomorrow. I will be interviewing to be Processing Coordinator of the Doors Department. Calling in orders, writing up tickets for customers, general data entry type stuff. In an office, not on my feet for 8 hours. Making what I am assuming will be at least 2 dollars more an hour than I am currently making. I am really really really praying to God that I will get this job, because it is kinda perfect for me. It is right on the way to my Moms work, and we would be working similair hours, so I would not have to worry about this taxicab bullshit I have been doing with Borders. It would be a set schedule, Monday through Friday, so I could actually do a better job of managing my time, because I would have something to work with as opposed to never knowing what time I am working on which day, yada yada yada. I dunno... I just really think that this job would be absolutely perfect for me. If it is not, well, I already have a crappy job, at least then I would have a crappy job that would seem a little more worth it because I would at least be making a good amount of money at it. That is the thing with my current job... I take a lot of abuse from them & make so little money that it could never be worth it. So, even if I don't get this job tomorrow, (although, Jenn & I discussed it & it looks like all signs are most likely gonna be pointing to yes,) I am still actively pursuing other employment. I am really praying for this job, though. It is just too perfect.

Aside from that, things have been pretty interesting lately. For the past few weeks my friends and I have been doing something a little different than our normal weekend routine of hanging out at Shakespeares, (a small British Pub right around the corner from Borders.) We have actually been going out to this weird ghetto crappy club here in town, Club Blue. I really kinda dislike the place, but it has been cool to at least go out dancing, which I haven't done in a long time. What has been a lot more interesting, though, has been what we have been doing after that. For the past few weeks we have been going out to the beach after the club or bar we have been at closes, and just kinda hanging out, sometimes drinking more, sometimes getting naked & running around like crazy people, sometimes just talking, whatever. It has been pretty nuts. Even more nuts are the pictures I have gotten from these experiences on the beach in the middle of the night. Let's just say that my camera phone has seen more punanny in the past few weeks than a gay mans phone should see in the entirety of it's life. I dunno, though. It has been a lot of fun. We have had some fucking crazy times out on that spot of the beach we hang out at. It is pretty awesome.

So, what else is new? Well, the man I love is leaving, and it is a sad sad thing for me. Okay, so I don't actually love him, but I have spoken on here before I'm sure of my Babydaddy... a new guy at my job. After being there no more than a month, he is leaving, moving to Kentucky. It is sad. We spent a little bit of time together, and I was really hoping to score a little under the clothes action at least out of the before he leaves time, but I am pretty certain it is not going to happen, which is okay. It just kinda sucks, cos' given the chance, I really think I coulda fallen in love with this guy... So, in all actuality, it is prolly best that he is moving and that chance was never given, cos' Lord knows I am a scary bitch when it comes to falling in love. I dunno. All I can really say is that he will be missed. It really is a time of changes in my life, everything from the *fingers-crossed* new job, the exiting of people in my life & my new haircut, (may post pics later, but knowing me, prolly not,) has kinda shown me that things are a changing... it is now my job to ensure that these changes are good. It is funny, cos' I remember something like this time last year, I made a post speaking of the exact opposite thing happening to my life... I felt like the past was kinda coming full circle. I dealt with that, and now at the same time a year later, all signs seem to be pointing forward. Where at this point last year I felt kinda forced to take a good look at the past, this year it is all about looking to the future. I really must say that I prefer it this way.

Life is not so bad. My life is full of wonders, from the great friends I have to the amazing memories we keep making to the beautiful city we live in & take for granted & bitch about so much! In the words that I believe I have quoted a few times before in my livejournal, from Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen, "Life can be so randomly beautiful." I think it is.

Jason

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